This is very moving and beautifully written. I don’t think many people outside evangelicalism understand how it cuts off the people inside from access to information that other people outside take for granted. Thank you for writing this. And also, thank you for taking me out of this world so I could be more free.
You are an incredible writer! There are so many other things I should be doing but I am finding myself drawn back and back and back to your story. What you wrote about not trusting your instincts so as to please others is so true for those of us women who grew up in this.
Wow. This is written from the heart and I somehow feel connected to parts of the story. I do not want to say that it happened to me too but I want to say some parts feel familiar. You have courage and you are very brave. I admire you. Stay strong, Constance
It makes so much sense for us to say something like “the body keeps the score” in 2023, but I feel so proud of you for being brave enough to somehow face those uncharted waters back then, especially considering the environment you were in. No one showed you how to navigate this. No one had modeled for you how to be true to your authentic self. Your courage paved the way for those of us who came after you. Thank you! ♥️
Oh my goodness, thank you, Amanda! What a wonderful thing to say!❤️ Yes, l thought of that book when l was writing this - but back then l was SO sheltered, and knew of very few resources and had never heard of such a thing. Your comment is helpful too as l think about my next post!
The book only came out in 2015! Most of what I’ve learned about trauma was after grad school 😳 I’m not sure a resource would’ve been available to you even if you had been able to try to find one. You were a true pioneer, finding your way with very little help. You did what your mom couldn’t. I’m sure she was/is incredibly proud of you too ♥️♥️♥️
All this is true, I know! I've learned so much just in the last 5 years, as you say, about trauma, that l just didn't know before. My mom feels very close these days, as you know! and l think you're right about her being proud, and just plain loving all of us so much.
What a visceral image, being physically examined on one's own dining room table. Coming from a conservative Mormon upbringing myself, I know what it's like to give the power away to the man who has authority and a connection to God. Because I was told as a woman that the way to access God was through my husband. I know now this not to be true. Women have long been priestesses and will continue to be. I ache for the women that we used to be who didn't know better. So glad that we do now. Thank you for sharing your story.
Sarah, thank you so much for reading and understanding! I appreciate your support and am so glad you have managed to get out from under those old damaging beliefs as well! Thank you again!
I remember reading this and how much I loved it. I relate to a lot in your story. I left the fundamentalist high control group I was born and raised in as a teen and that took me in a different direction away from religion, but neither path escapes the trauma wreaked on our psyches.
This resonates so much with women like me and I’m sure many others. Sadly , many of us were taught to ignore our feelings and please others, and trust what we were told. You’ve written this beautifully and it draws the reader in so we can’t stop reading. I look forward to reading more.
To echo my Substack note: I was raised in rural Ireland in the 90s, a world away from your experiences, and yet I see so much of myself in your beautiful writing. Thank you for sharing this with the world, Constance. I'm excited to read more!
Thank you so much, Clare - I'm so interested to hear that! Ireland is one of the few places i've visited outside the US (I'm part Irish) and l find your comment fascinating. Thanks again!
Constance, this reminds me so much of my own experience, in Los Angeles, in 1973. My own mother had suffered from agoraphobia but was never diagnosed and seem normal to me other than her staying home and she had stopped driving. When, at 23, I suffered my first panic attack, I thought it was a physical ailment and went to the doctor. He sent me to a psychiatrist, who became inappropriate and was drunk half the time. I'm so glad you are writing about this!
Oh my goodness - it sounds like we had very similar experiences in many ways! Thank you for reading and commenting - it means a lot to me to know you understand!
Jeez, I don't like where this is going. I had no idea you had experienced such an emotionally wrenching experience with your first marriage. I'm so sorry, Constance.
Hi Constance, Jill Swenson alerted me to your Substack. I don’t know if you know her or if she just found you, she was an editor that worked with me on my own book, so she thoughtI would relate to your topic. I look forward to reading more of your story. You might find my book interesting, my father had mental illness and later in life I suffered from similar illness. I became a Jesus freak in the 1970s and entered the ministry as a fundamentalist minister and missionary, all the while suffering from depression and obsessive compulsive disorder. After 30 years, I left fundamentalist/evangelical ministry and today I’m a psychotherapist. I would love to chat with you sometime and hear more of your story. My book is, THE LONG SURRENDER: A Memoir About Losing My Religion. By Brian Rush McDonald.
Hi Brian - thank you for reading my post! I'm interested to hear the similarities in our stories and will definitely look for your book on Amazon - thanks for reaching out!
I am reminded of the incisive observation of Dr. Gabor Maté that so many of us at an early age trade our authenticity for attachment. There is really no other choice to make. How brilliant that your body tapped you on the shoulder—well, thumped you hard is more like it—and reminded you that this devil’s bargain is not sustainable in the long run! Thanks for putting this dilemma so vulnerably out in the light where we can see it. I am so proud to know you!
This is very moving and beautifully written. I don’t think many people outside evangelicalism understand how it cuts off the people inside from access to information that other people outside take for granted. Thank you for writing this. And also, thank you for taking me out of this world so I could be more free.
Your comment means so much to me!❤️
Thank you, Ivy!!
Thanks to @arcarranzawriter for reminding me about this part of my journey!
You are an incredible writer! There are so many other things I should be doing but I am finding myself drawn back and back and back to your story. What you wrote about not trusting your instincts so as to please others is so true for those of us women who grew up in this.
Thank you for your comment, Lori! I'm
glad to know this resonates for you (but also sorry you also grew up in this!) I definitely understand!
Wow. This is written from the heart and I somehow feel connected to parts of the story. I do not want to say that it happened to me too but I want to say some parts feel familiar. You have courage and you are very brave. I admire you. Stay strong, Constance
Thank you - it's good to know someone understands - and thank you for reading!
It makes so much sense for us to say something like “the body keeps the score” in 2023, but I feel so proud of you for being brave enough to somehow face those uncharted waters back then, especially considering the environment you were in. No one showed you how to navigate this. No one had modeled for you how to be true to your authentic self. Your courage paved the way for those of us who came after you. Thank you! ♥️
Oh my goodness, thank you, Amanda! What a wonderful thing to say!❤️ Yes, l thought of that book when l was writing this - but back then l was SO sheltered, and knew of very few resources and had never heard of such a thing. Your comment is helpful too as l think about my next post!
The book only came out in 2015! Most of what I’ve learned about trauma was after grad school 😳 I’m not sure a resource would’ve been available to you even if you had been able to try to find one. You were a true pioneer, finding your way with very little help. You did what your mom couldn’t. I’m sure she was/is incredibly proud of you too ♥️♥️♥️
All this is true, I know! I've learned so much just in the last 5 years, as you say, about trauma, that l just didn't know before. My mom feels very close these days, as you know! and l think you're right about her being proud, and just plain loving all of us so much.
What a visceral image, being physically examined on one's own dining room table. Coming from a conservative Mormon upbringing myself, I know what it's like to give the power away to the man who has authority and a connection to God. Because I was told as a woman that the way to access God was through my husband. I know now this not to be true. Women have long been priestesses and will continue to be. I ache for the women that we used to be who didn't know better. So glad that we do now. Thank you for sharing your story.
Sarah, thank you so much for reading and understanding! I appreciate your support and am so glad you have managed to get out from under those old damaging beliefs as well! Thank you again!
I remember reading this and how much I loved it. I relate to a lot in your story. I left the fundamentalist high control group I was born and raised in as a teen and that took me in a different direction away from religion, but neither path escapes the trauma wreaked on our psyches.
Hi Kelly - I had no idea how much we had in common until l read your recent essay! Thanks for reading and I'm so glad to see you here!
Thank you! So crazy! I didn’t either. Thank you!
This resonates so much with women like me and I’m sure many others. Sadly , many of us were taught to ignore our feelings and please others, and trust what we were told. You’ve written this beautifully and it draws the reader in so we can’t stop reading. I look forward to reading more.
Thank you so much, Joy - it helps me to know I'm not alone in this. I appreciate you reading and commenting!
To echo my Substack note: I was raised in rural Ireland in the 90s, a world away from your experiences, and yet I see so much of myself in your beautiful writing. Thank you for sharing this with the world, Constance. I'm excited to read more!
Thank you so much, Clare - I'm so interested to hear that! Ireland is one of the few places i've visited outside the US (I'm part Irish) and l find your comment fascinating. Thanks again!
Constance, this reminds me so much of my own experience, in Los Angeles, in 1973. My own mother had suffered from agoraphobia but was never diagnosed and seem normal to me other than her staying home and she had stopped driving. When, at 23, I suffered my first panic attack, I thought it was a physical ailment and went to the doctor. He sent me to a psychiatrist, who became inappropriate and was drunk half the time. I'm so glad you are writing about this!
Oh my goodness - it sounds like we had very similar experiences in many ways! Thank you for reading and commenting - it means a lot to me to know you understand!
I feel the same, Constance...not many people understand these experiences and. it helps to know others. Pleased to meet ya!
Oh wow. I am so glad I found your work. Thank you!
Thanks! And thanks for reading and commenting, Beth!
Looking forward to reading more!
Thank you! So glad to hear that!
Gripped by this already and looking forward to part 2
Thank you so much - I'm glad you found it engaging!
Jeez, I don't like where this is going. I had no idea you had experienced such an emotionally wrenching experience with your first marriage. I'm so sorry, Constance.
Thanks, Russ! Yup, it was not great, to say the least. Thanks for being empathetic!
Hi Constance, Jill Swenson alerted me to your Substack. I don’t know if you know her or if she just found you, she was an editor that worked with me on my own book, so she thoughtI would relate to your topic. I look forward to reading more of your story. You might find my book interesting, my father had mental illness and later in life I suffered from similar illness. I became a Jesus freak in the 1970s and entered the ministry as a fundamentalist minister and missionary, all the while suffering from depression and obsessive compulsive disorder. After 30 years, I left fundamentalist/evangelical ministry and today I’m a psychotherapist. I would love to chat with you sometime and hear more of your story. My book is, THE LONG SURRENDER: A Memoir About Losing My Religion. By Brian Rush McDonald.
Hi Brian - thank you for reading my post! I'm interested to hear the similarities in our stories and will definitely look for your book on Amazon - thanks for reaching out!
I am reminded of the incisive observation of Dr. Gabor Maté that so many of us at an early age trade our authenticity for attachment. There is really no other choice to make. How brilliant that your body tapped you on the shoulder—well, thumped you hard is more like it—and reminded you that this devil’s bargain is not sustainable in the long run! Thanks for putting this dilemma so vulnerably out in the light where we can see it. I am so proud to know you!
Thank you, wonderful Marva, for your friendship and love and for so brilliantly showing the way!