I come from a long line of visionaries and dreamers: after his own horse had been shot out from under him, my great-great-great grandfather made it across the Rhine River by grabbing hold of the tail of someone else’s horse; later, in Germany, fearing his two sons were going to be conscripted into the military, this man sent his only children on a ship to America, one hidden in a trunk.
"Stepping outside the box to do what is right for you seems to be part of the necessary work of change."
Thank you for writing this sentence. It is something I have done a few times in my life and am hoping to do this year. I am so thankful that you are writing your story down. (Lori)
Thank you so much for reading and commenting, Lori - I'm glad that thought meant something to you, and l wish you strength and love for the coming year!
So happy to come across another person writing about leaving a high control, deeply conservative Christian religious group. I also was born into a similar environment and am planning on writing about it as I explore my writing and craft as a whole.
The part that jumped out at me the most, here, is that when you were recommended to see a therapist, you were sent to a real one - not a “Christian counselor alternative”. I can’t tell you how many times I was warned against therapists and psychologists and psychiatrists. Or how many women in my church I overheard lamenting that someone else was given bad advice by a therapist because the therapist recommended divorce. It was made SO CLEAR to me at such a young age that divorce was always the wrong answer, and that I couldn’t trust anyone who would suggest it.
So glad to connect with you here, Amanda! And l completely get what you're saying about the therapist situation. I condensed that part of my story for this essay, but my path to a therapist that was genuinely helpful was actually a fairly long and convoluted one and l want to write about that. I'm
also glad to see that you got out! Here's to the hard work of transformations and new beginnings!
So many women are conditioned to go along with their own subjugation because they themselves want to be good people who don’t quit when ‘the going gets tough’ and because they have no practice being disapproved of. I know that was true for me in my first marriage, even though I considered myself a feminist and thought my husband was very much for women claiming their power. Turns out that was for other women to do, not me.
That is such an important observation, Elizabeth! Thank you! Yes, so true. Living with the discomfort of knowing others disapprove is foreign to many of us and feels awful, when we've been trained to believe the required condition for connection is to be pleasing and agreeable. Plus, right - we think of ourselves as a failure for "quitting," even perhaps when a situation is degrading or bad for our health and well-being. l am still definitely doing work in these areas, trying to get better at tolerating discomfort in order to do good things for myself, when my choices don't necessarily please others. And trying to learn to do good things for myself in general! Seems to be the work of a lifetime for me. Thanks again for reading and for your insightful comment!
"Stepping outside the box to do what is right for you seems to be part of the necessary work of change."
Thank you for writing this sentence. It is something I have done a few times in my life and am hoping to do this year. I am so thankful that you are writing your story down. (Lori)
Thank you so much for reading and commenting, Lori - I'm glad that thought meant something to you, and l wish you strength and love for the coming year!
So happy to come across another person writing about leaving a high control, deeply conservative Christian religious group. I also was born into a similar environment and am planning on writing about it as I explore my writing and craft as a whole.
The part that jumped out at me the most, here, is that when you were recommended to see a therapist, you were sent to a real one - not a “Christian counselor alternative”. I can’t tell you how many times I was warned against therapists and psychologists and psychiatrists. Or how many women in my church I overheard lamenting that someone else was given bad advice by a therapist because the therapist recommended divorce. It was made SO CLEAR to me at such a young age that divorce was always the wrong answer, and that I couldn’t trust anyone who would suggest it.
I’m glad you got out!
So glad to connect with you here, Amanda! And l completely get what you're saying about the therapist situation. I condensed that part of my story for this essay, but my path to a therapist that was genuinely helpful was actually a fairly long and convoluted one and l want to write about that. I'm
also glad to see that you got out! Here's to the hard work of transformations and new beginnings!
My mother always said, well, counselors are fine, for those who NEED them. How different my life might have been if she'd realized her own need.
Yes, right? This makes so much sense to me! Thanks, Teri!
I SO get it and I live in Boise, Idaho. :)
https://open.substack.com/pub/dispatchesfromoutwest/p/leaving-my-religion-party?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=1grj2r
Oh, wow! You definitely get it, then!❤️
Yes! Loved the visual of your grandfather seizing that tail to survive. And you doing the same thing.
So many women are conditioned to go along with their own subjugation because they themselves want to be good people who don’t quit when ‘the going gets tough’ and because they have no practice being disapproved of. I know that was true for me in my first marriage, even though I considered myself a feminist and thought my husband was very much for women claiming their power. Turns out that was for other women to do, not me.
That is such an important observation, Elizabeth! Thank you! Yes, so true. Living with the discomfort of knowing others disapprove is foreign to many of us and feels awful, when we've been trained to believe the required condition for connection is to be pleasing and agreeable. Plus, right - we think of ourselves as a failure for "quitting," even perhaps when a situation is degrading or bad for our health and well-being. l am still definitely doing work in these areas, trying to get better at tolerating discomfort in order to do good things for myself, when my choices don't necessarily please others. And trying to learn to do good things for myself in general! Seems to be the work of a lifetime for me. Thanks again for reading and for your insightful comment!